Comfort Zones

We are driven by our tribe upbringing to behave and act in certain predictable ways. We like to be dry and warm and nourished. We like to have relationships, to feel important and needed. We like to work for something, be it money or a cause, and be valued for those efforts. We like to pay our debts and buy more things. We also like to be entertained and experience joyful moments. These basic examples apply to everyone. The comfort zones of which I speak are our here and now, they are what is familiar to us, what we are accustomed to, influenced and developed by our life experience. They are the food we eat, the colors we like, the friends we keep and the environment in which we find ourselves. This is perhaps most important to the understanding of our comfort zones; they are unique to us, grown from our individual perceptions of our collective environment since birth.

Comfort zones are those familiar people, environments and behaviors in our life that provide us with reassurance, familiarity and connection. Generally they are good places to be. Some individuals do indeed appear to be in a cozy comfort zone, well on their way to some vision of Nirvana.

Yet if things in your life just don’t seem to be ending up where you imagined you may have fallen into a deceptive comfort zone. The deception may be a relatively minor deception like a love for soda pop and French Fries, or it can be more intense resulting in some manifestation that is significantly negative. It could be an abusive relationship, friends that convey negative behaviors or a career choice that no longer aligns with your life passion; all requiring you to wrestle with similar comfort zone shackles


When simply talking about the above examples the decisions appear simple. Leave the relationship, find new friends and get a new job. But many times, even when we do make a change, some element of the old rejoins us. The new lover you were drawn to also has a temper, your new group of friends also like to party and your new job finds you in a similar cubicle. Is there something deeper to these recurring patterns? Why is letting go, making changes or doing something new sometimes so difficult?

My piece entitled “Change” provides a few insights on the numerous elements that we take into consideration when making a change, particularly when deciding between two or more options. It would be good to go through that article in conjunction with this one as some of the insights gained may shed some light on what concerns you most. What I am looking to do here is provide a deeper examination in to why some of us, me included, face challenges when trying to make a transition that we believe will place us in a better space.

At some level, regardless of what the uncomfortable situation is, it is, in some part of our psyche, a somewhat comfortable place. Basically we perceive more of a reward in staying in the known than in making a change to the unknown. If this were not the case there would be few of us who could not easily change their current state of affairs. We can still change and build new comfort zones for ourselves, most definitely, but we must first define our current ones.

An abused spouse is in a comfort zone when being abused, as bad as it may be they are getting attention. A drug addict is in a comfort zone when getting their next fix because that moment is oh so pleasurable and exciting. Or consider that talented person that never follows their dream settling instead for the comfort of a weekly paycheck and benefits. The chronically ill person who may subconsciously fear that with no illness a loved one’s attention may fade. While I am sure these statements will prove to be controversial, numerous studies confirm them.

Bruce Wexler shared his ground breaking study that helps to shed more light on our understanding of comfort zones. In his work Brain and Culture: Neurobiology, Ideology, and Social Change, Wexler identifies Neuro-biological linkages that create what I refer to as comfort zones.

“Research shows that between birth and early adulthood the brain requires sensory stimulation to develop physically. The nature of the stimulation shapes the connections among neurons that create the networks necessary for thought and behavior. By changing the cultural environment, each generation shapes the brains of the next. By early adulthood, the neuroplasticity of the brain is reduced, and this leads to a shift in the relationship between the individual and the environment: in the first part of life, the brain and mind shape themselves to the major recurring features of their environment; by adulthood, the individual attempts to make the environment conform to the established internal structures of the mind. There are social implications driven from the close and changing neurobiological relationship between the individual and the environment, with particular attention to the difficulties individuals face in adulthood when the environment changes creating voids between the existing internal structure and external reality”.

When we leave the comfort or familiarity of a specific environment or behavior there is often a void, an empty feeling, our minds and bodies are telling us “this is not how we were programmed!” This is why we in general have so much difficulty in cultivating new environments for ourselves. It could also explain why so many continue to partake in destructive behaviors such as smoking and why some never quite live up to their vision of Nirvana. They know they want to change but the subconscious hooks and built up neurobiological layers have ensnared them. The engrained comfort zones are familiar, they are known, and they are safe.

When we try to change, no matter how much we know we should, if we do not address the physical and energetic underpinnings our body system will demand that we return to the comfort zone. Knowing this is the key to our power. The ability to dissect our layers, identify the pitfalls and work toward a better tomorrow is within us all.

Shedding more light on the change process Dr. Richard G. Petty in his review of Wexler’s work adds.

”During adolescence and early adulthood, this conformity is usually replaced by increasing individuality and drives to leave the parental nest. This leads to gradual attempts to shape the environment to fit with the structure of his or her brain and mind. Yet some plasticity remains throughout life, and we are likely able to create new neural connections and even new neurons into old age. And these new neurons and connections develop not only in response to the external environment, but also in response to our thoughts and emotions.

Changing a comfort zone happens with intent and positive experience, which implies a passage of time, which implies a journey, unfortunately there is no pill. While Neuro-Linguistic programming and hypnosis work to replace voids in the mental process, there is a parallel energetic physical process associated with each situation, environment or behavior. This is not to imply that NLP and Hypnosis do not impact the energetic body, just that there is a little more required. Reiki, Qi-Gong and numerous other complimentary and alternative medicine techniques address this “Energy flow” and highlight the deeper connections to our collective body, mind and spirit. If our collective being is not convinced that the benefits of our new situation, environment or behavior outweigh the old, we will return to the known comfort zones and produce similar outcomes.

While it is possible to modify comfort zones on our own, we may need a little help to identify or understand them. We may even need a little support as we choose to walk a different path. Realize that whomever you turn to will now be a part of your journey, as you will be of theirs, it is important to find the right match and assure that they have your highest good at heart. Go slow at first and make sure that you fully understand your current comfort zones before trying to modify, move out of or replace them. With your new knowledge, success is assured. You’re OK.

Crossings

“They totally changed my life!” It may be a spouse, a close friend or a public figure, or it could be a single act, a single encounter or fleeting glance. Regardless of the complexity of the encounter these crossings occur every day of our lives, throughout our lives, and they all influence our lives. Crossings can lead us to unlimited joy, lift our spirits, give us hope, re-assure us, teach us and send warm waves of connectedness through our bodies. Crossings can be subtle and barely perceptible or so powerful that they can rescue us from certain physical or mental tragedy.

Few would argue that we find ourselves in challenging times, whether a result of the economy, strained relationships, or lack of relationships. Regardless of how dismal our current moment appears to us, that moment will be replaced by a completely new moment,….in just a moment. That next moment is influenced largely by you, but perhaps even more so by the opportunity for new experience, new connections, and new crossings.

Before I get too much farther I should clarify that crossings for our purposes are seemingly random events as opposed to planned strategic or manipulated events. I acknowledge that these too are crossings, and will most likely be covered in the next piece, but for today I am simply examining that random, odd, unexplained karma like events that occur in all our lives. It could be a simple observation, a random act of kindness, a past acquaintance, or a random introduction to the friend of a friend. These random events occur continually and unavoidably in our waking hours, unless of course you spend your days locked in your room or other metaphoric dark place. If that is the case, you need to take this with you to the book store, find a place to sit comfortably, and read it again.

To better illustrate, let’s take a peek at the crossings that may occur during this trip to the book store. To get there you will walk, drive, take a cab, ride the bus or your bike. On your route you may first see your neighbor, do you like them? Why of why not?

Next in your path is a glimpse of someone you have never seen. Who are they, where did they come from, what are they like? Your assumptions will most likely be formed in a split second at the subconscious level based on any number of attributes. Clothes, hair style, body type, and the way they walk, the way they stand, the car they are driving, and whether they acknowledged you.


The crossing could be as simple as that, or perhaps you give them a nod to acknowledge their presence, or stop to help them with an apparently difficult task, or comment on the weather or the book they are reading, (without being a creeper). I could continue to lead you through your journey but that would take away your fun. The point is that often we are oblivious to those around us, perhaps a societal influence but a choice we make none the less. Crossings are often subtle and you need to be open and aware of others in your world for there to be any effect.

As you think about the crossings that have or may occur in your life, realize that you are actually comparing them to yourself; your views, your self-image and your numerous social stigmas. Note that you may not even know the person, and probably never will, but in that moment, you have, consciously or subconsciously, made a judgment. A judgment about them and yourself, it is unavoidable. With this knowledge we can open up new opportunities, new directions or simply confirm our affirmations.

The crossing may occur in a store, when you acknowledge a common, reaffirming, viewpoint on pricing, quality or availability. It may be a simple comment you make to someone who appears to be having a bad day, a simple “let me help with that”, no major commitment and no expectation. Yet the simple crossing may have restored a person’s faith, it may have affirmed that there is still a good side to people. In this split second you have taken a little coldness out of the world and benefit from the good feeling as a result of the act. I will admit this type of crossing is often imperceptible and you most likely will not bring it up at the dinner table, but there is no denying that the crossing had an effect and left an impression at some level.

We witness a kind act, the simple holding of a door, or a nod that acknowledges a presence in this world. These simple crossings may be merely a fleeting moment of cognitive affirmation or they may lead to new lifelong pursuits or friendships. Someone who has absolutely no understanding of our current situation or our “Issues” ultimately may provide an opportunity to start anew, to reframe our current experience, to give us a fresh new perspective based in a view of another’s reality, or simply to make us smile. Despair can be replaced by hope in a fleeting unplanned second. A crossing may be a new face in the crowd, a never approached neighbor, a stranger on the street, a reconnection from the past, someone that has been in our life all along that we simply choose to ignore, or the friend of a friend that totally changes our life for the better.

“A stranger is a friend we have not met yet” - William Butler Yeats
(“But the same applies to enemies, so beware” – Jim Tippett)

How many times have you randomly bumped into an acquaintance from the past? It is common to explore each other’s journey through the years. Where have your mutual friends ended up, what’s their latest take on life, why did we fall out of touch? In these scenarios we automatically rewind our life to the period of time that we were acquainted. We then push play and relive the times between the then and the now, we take a journey reliving the period and then see how we have grown, how we have fared and how we are positioned for the future. In this wonderful social networking age, bumping into those from the past is much easier. It may be less authentic and open to manipulation than looking into someone’s eyes, but it works. You may find how they vaulted hurtles in their life, how they achieved, or how they failed. We may think we have it bad, but soon find that our crossing has similar problems or worse, perhaps providing an opportunity to reach out, to grow, to find comfort and support or simply commiserate. This crossing may even present an opportunity to build a new, rekindle missed opportunities, or launch a future life altering journey.

We may even simply just reflect on crossings that have led us to where we are now, a good friend, a casual acquaintance that became our spouse, the supportive boss, or perhaps we crossed with manipulators, liars and cheats. To be true to ourselves, we do need to look at the bad crossings with the same reflective thoughts as the good. Many may find their lives shattered, along with their self esteem, as the result of a negative crossing. The sooner the individual can grip the reality of a negative crossing, the sooner they can enjoy the positive crossings.

Some of the most influential crossings occur when we just happen to be in the right place at the right time. These may include introductions between friends or acquaintances, a new job or the view of a new career, a delay that keeps us from harm, or places us next to a life changing crossing. Our perspectives on the world can be changed and enlightened in a simple moment, a single look, a single hand shake, or blown by the wind off a butterfly’s wing.

I now challenge you to go out into your world and for at least one day, be aware of the crossings in your life. Chances are you will not be able to capture or count them all, but allow for some quick reflection on the ones you do. Remember this requires no planning or manipulation on your part, just let it roll. The crossing itself is random, what happens from there is up to you.

Classic Crossings

You really did not want to be there, (the wedding, the meeting, the event) but during the event you became a part of an interaction that had a positive impact, or you influenced some element of the event that would not have been the same had you not been there.

Where did you meet your spouse? It was a crossing. Where did you get your current job? It was a crossing.

A driver’s frustration as viewed in the rear view mirror makes me laugh, especially when there is absolutely nothing they can do about the jamb. The crossing reaffirms my calmness.

We have all meet someone who some may say “have it all together”. But when examined deeper they have the issues as every one of us. They have either masked the other element s or are narrowly focused on a simple life task.

We see a visually pleasing scene or a visually disturbing scene, the model or the bag lady. It could be the blonde or the brunette, the fat guy, the kid, the trouble maker, the house wife, the business man, the crook. All leave us with an impact or an affirmation. In observing another person we may find that we tend to “classify” them under one of our preconceived notions or stigmas. But in actuality we are classifying ourselves.

Sporting events are full of crossings, positive crossings if you are sitting on the home side, potentially negative if you selected the visitor’s side.

We meet in kindergarten and our life paths are intertwined forever.

We meet at work, on a project team, after a week or so we either like each other or start to scheme on the others demise. Lifelong friendships can emerge from a single assignment.

We hear a new song, a new voice, a tone, or we key in on something no one else hears. Concentrate on the sounds around you. A fire truck siren leads to someone who is having a worse day than you.

Have you read an article or visited a website that interests you? Send an e-mail to the person or contact asking for more info or give your feedback on their work. Or simply forward it to an acquaintance who you feel may gain benefit. The newer the relationship or the quicker the crossing, the less judgmental it is, and the less the baggage deposit. Realize however that in a good relationships there is no baggage, or at least the persons “issues”, or past are not viewed as baggage. They are viewed as a positive element in the molding of who they are.

You may meet someone with a totally different perspective on an issue, or life for that matter. At first you may mutter “What in the heck are they all about?” Later, if you happen to reflect on the crossing, you will most likely find an element of wisdom or usefulness, a tool to help you in your own journey of understanding.

I am sure you can continue this list with many of your own experiences. Please feel free to do so at my blog - http://ioyn.blogspot.com/