Comfort Zones

We are driven by our tribe upbringing to behave and act in certain predictable ways. We like to be dry and warm and nourished. We like to have relationships, to feel important and needed. We like to work for something, be it money or a cause, and be valued for those efforts. We like to pay our debts and buy more things. We also like to be entertained and experience joyful moments. These basic examples apply to everyone. The comfort zones of which I speak are our here and now, they are what is familiar to us, what we are accustomed to, influenced and developed by our life experience. They are the food we eat, the colors we like, the friends we keep and the environment in which we find ourselves. This is perhaps most important to the understanding of our comfort zones; they are unique to us, grown from our individual perceptions of our collective environment since birth.

Comfort zones are those familiar people, environments and behaviors in our life that provide us with reassurance, familiarity and connection. Generally they are good places to be. Some individuals do indeed appear to be in a cozy comfort zone, well on their way to some vision of Nirvana.

Yet if things in your life just don’t seem to be ending up where you imagined you may have fallen into a deceptive comfort zone. The deception may be a relatively minor deception like a love for soda pop and French Fries, or it can be more intense resulting in some manifestation that is significantly negative. It could be an abusive relationship, friends that convey negative behaviors or a career choice that no longer aligns with your life passion; all requiring you to wrestle with similar comfort zone shackles


When simply talking about the above examples the decisions appear simple. Leave the relationship, find new friends and get a new job. But many times, even when we do make a change, some element of the old rejoins us. The new lover you were drawn to also has a temper, your new group of friends also like to party and your new job finds you in a similar cubicle. Is there something deeper to these recurring patterns? Why is letting go, making changes or doing something new sometimes so difficult?

My piece entitled “Change” provides a few insights on the numerous elements that we take into consideration when making a change, particularly when deciding between two or more options. It would be good to go through that article in conjunction with this one as some of the insights gained may shed some light on what concerns you most. What I am looking to do here is provide a deeper examination in to why some of us, me included, face challenges when trying to make a transition that we believe will place us in a better space.

At some level, regardless of what the uncomfortable situation is, it is, in some part of our psyche, a somewhat comfortable place. Basically we perceive more of a reward in staying in the known than in making a change to the unknown. If this were not the case there would be few of us who could not easily change their current state of affairs. We can still change and build new comfort zones for ourselves, most definitely, but we must first define our current ones.

An abused spouse is in a comfort zone when being abused, as bad as it may be they are getting attention. A drug addict is in a comfort zone when getting their next fix because that moment is oh so pleasurable and exciting. Or consider that talented person that never follows their dream settling instead for the comfort of a weekly paycheck and benefits. The chronically ill person who may subconsciously fear that with no illness a loved one’s attention may fade. While I am sure these statements will prove to be controversial, numerous studies confirm them.

Bruce Wexler shared his ground breaking study that helps to shed more light on our understanding of comfort zones. In his work Brain and Culture: Neurobiology, Ideology, and Social Change, Wexler identifies Neuro-biological linkages that create what I refer to as comfort zones.

“Research shows that between birth and early adulthood the brain requires sensory stimulation to develop physically. The nature of the stimulation shapes the connections among neurons that create the networks necessary for thought and behavior. By changing the cultural environment, each generation shapes the brains of the next. By early adulthood, the neuroplasticity of the brain is reduced, and this leads to a shift in the relationship between the individual and the environment: in the first part of life, the brain and mind shape themselves to the major recurring features of their environment; by adulthood, the individual attempts to make the environment conform to the established internal structures of the mind. There are social implications driven from the close and changing neurobiological relationship between the individual and the environment, with particular attention to the difficulties individuals face in adulthood when the environment changes creating voids between the existing internal structure and external reality”.

When we leave the comfort or familiarity of a specific environment or behavior there is often a void, an empty feeling, our minds and bodies are telling us “this is not how we were programmed!” This is why we in general have so much difficulty in cultivating new environments for ourselves. It could also explain why so many continue to partake in destructive behaviors such as smoking and why some never quite live up to their vision of Nirvana. They know they want to change but the subconscious hooks and built up neurobiological layers have ensnared them. The engrained comfort zones are familiar, they are known, and they are safe.

When we try to change, no matter how much we know we should, if we do not address the physical and energetic underpinnings our body system will demand that we return to the comfort zone. Knowing this is the key to our power. The ability to dissect our layers, identify the pitfalls and work toward a better tomorrow is within us all.

Shedding more light on the change process Dr. Richard G. Petty in his review of Wexler’s work adds.

”During adolescence and early adulthood, this conformity is usually replaced by increasing individuality and drives to leave the parental nest. This leads to gradual attempts to shape the environment to fit with the structure of his or her brain and mind. Yet some plasticity remains throughout life, and we are likely able to create new neural connections and even new neurons into old age. And these new neurons and connections develop not only in response to the external environment, but also in response to our thoughts and emotions.

Changing a comfort zone happens with intent and positive experience, which implies a passage of time, which implies a journey, unfortunately there is no pill. While Neuro-Linguistic programming and hypnosis work to replace voids in the mental process, there is a parallel energetic physical process associated with each situation, environment or behavior. This is not to imply that NLP and Hypnosis do not impact the energetic body, just that there is a little more required. Reiki, Qi-Gong and numerous other complimentary and alternative medicine techniques address this “Energy flow” and highlight the deeper connections to our collective body, mind and spirit. If our collective being is not convinced that the benefits of our new situation, environment or behavior outweigh the old, we will return to the known comfort zones and produce similar outcomes.

While it is possible to modify comfort zones on our own, we may need a little help to identify or understand them. We may even need a little support as we choose to walk a different path. Realize that whomever you turn to will now be a part of your journey, as you will be of theirs, it is important to find the right match and assure that they have your highest good at heart. Go slow at first and make sure that you fully understand your current comfort zones before trying to modify, move out of or replace them. With your new knowledge, success is assured. You’re OK.