Someone To Talk With

Is simple conversation, or the lack of it, at the root of our mental health? We all need someone to talk with, but the quality of the conversation and the dynamics that occur during the interaction can yield a variety of outcomes. Simple, unstructured conversation, even with strangers in the checkout line or at sporting events can send a warm feeling of connectedness through our bones. Conversations with those closer to us may tend to be more probing, manipulative or judgmental, and can create many of the chilling impacts at the root of some of our most common social dysfunctions. The intent of this article is to explore the impact that simply talking with our children can have on mental health, both theirs and yours.

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Psychotherapy techniques explored by Carl Rogers in his book "On Becoming a Person", show a distinct connection between the quality of the conversation and the success in moving the patient closer to what he terms as actualization. In actualization a person moves toward what they would like to be, or more toward the person they truly or naturally are. His work, in part, emphasizes the quality of the relationship, built off the nature of simple conversation, as a key factor in the effectiveness of his approach. Further work by Edward L. Deci in his book "Why We Do What We Do", explores in part, how the nature of a conversation effects motivation.

We have all read, or at least heard of books on negotiation, selling techniques and parenting that instruct us to look for and respond to reactions and in general how to have a conversation. Unfortunately, the very structure of this coaching may degrade the overall outcome as it is often viewed by the receiving party for what it typically is, manipulation and control. However well masked, when we were on the receiving end, we perceive the conversation as manipulative or coercive, or that we are some how being told what to do. It makes us feel foolish when our thoughts and concerns are simply cast off by the other with a simple statement to make our problems seem so trivial. "Well, be happy you don't live in Biafra" or "You don't appreciate how good you have it!" or "When I was growing up we had to eat worms!" We may not be able to define what we are feeling, but we know it is there, and we shut down, rebel, or worse look for a potentially undesirable resource to explore our issue with.

As parents we think we need to control the situation, be the strong one or be the one with all the answers, but this causes us to be shielded and less authentic. Once we admit that we may not be, the conversation becomes more real. Many times an issue will be beyond our ability to cope, we do not have to have all the answers, but we do need to listen and work to become a part of the situation, and hopefully the solution, at its root. Realize that we can all learn, and we can all grow. This learning and growth occurs when each is open, and non judgmental. This is a scary place for many, the world is a scary place but we can not hide from it. It is OK to speak of our feelings, and listen to others feelings, we are not all the same, we are all individuals, no matter the age.

I have two sons, raised in the same house, I have a sister, raised in the same house as I, my wife has two brothers, raised in the same house, and each is wonderfully different and unique. Even in the same house our experiences, our feelings and our views are different, and that is OK.

As parents, my wife and I have found few right answers but we have found many best answers, and the best answers are born from both sides opening up, listening, absorbing and exploring. We have worked to become less judgmental, less reactionary and more focused on just talking. We are coming to realize that the issues one may be facing are indeed issues facing us all. Our child's exploration of their particular issues may in fact provide a mirror reflecting our issues, the discussion of which makes us all stronger.

We have also become better at listening for a conversation. Conversations do not start at a set time nor do they always start when they are convenient. If you have to make a schedule to talk, you may have lost the moment, the intimacy, and now made it a more bureaucratic schedule. You have now diverted the need for your children to talk with someone, to someone else. The ones they turn to for these conversations may in fact be manipulative or incomplete in the conclusions that are reached void of our knowledge and experience. While some may scorn the texting craze and the so called web 2.0, it has given our children someone to talk with, almost immediately. Some of us do not have big families or many friends, often that makes the idea of finding someone to talk with a little more difficult, but no less important to our well being. This technology may indeed prove beneficial at some level, but we should be cautious not to let these sources replace us. If you are beginning to feel as though they have, you need to examine your current style of communication.

If your past discussions have been strained you need to find an ice breaker. Start by striking up a conversation related to an issue you may be having and ask for their advice. If you don't have one already, schedule a family night to play a game or watch a movie. I strongly recommend Good Will Hunting but I am sure there are many other mutually engaging ones. Conversations should be a sharing event, both learning and reaching for who we are, no one is in control, both are open, neither is judgmental or controlling. I am talking about the need for a simple exploration of what is going through our minds. Be in the moment, there does not have to be a topic, no direction, no starting or ending, but the end result will be a deeper communication. Someone to talk with is a process, not just one chat. We do not always solve things in a single conversation, sometimes a sounding board may be all that is needed. How fantastic it would be to have some one to just talk to about things, openly, without judgment, without expectations, without argument, without repercussions, without fear. How big a bonus would it be if it were our parents?

If all else fails, don't be stymied by getting outside help, or one day you may awake to a scene you do not want to imagine. For parents the question is not "where did I go wrong?" It is "where do we go from here?"

Light Switches, Windows and Doors

Light Switches Windows and Doors

By Jim Tippett

  This is not a workshop on home remodeling, just one on remodeling how you pursue opportunities and perhaps your life. As I reflect upon the coming of the New Year and my obligatory resolutions, I keep coming back to these simple concepts, more so realizations, on how, with the use of a little metaphoric liberty, they hold the key to our success and quality of life.

   Light switches are used to control the flow of energy; windows are used to allow light and fresh air to come into our lives and to allow us to gaze out into our world or into others. Doors are used to provide a walkway into or out of different areas of our lives. Doors can be locked to keep us safe or they can be barred from the other side. As with light switches and windows, we select to fling the door open to new opportunity or simply keep it shut. The important thing to understand is that the opening and closing is controlled, or at least strongly influenced, entirely by you.

   First, light switches. We have all attended an inspiring seminar or class, and we have all come up with that really great idea or resolved to manifest a New Year’s intention. The moment truly inspires you, your mind is alive with possibilities, and you feel in touch with the way things are supposed to be. The light switch is on and the juice is flowing, every neuron is firing with potential, you cannot wait to get to “IT”. You leave the moment through a different door and as you pass through you notice a different world than the one you left just a while ago. The air is fresher, the colors are brighter and you are walking with a new confidence. You can view a new day, a new you. You can see each step of the path and the way around every obstacle is clear. What happens from that point forward is the basis of this workshop.

   The light switch, when turned on, allows energy to flow through your chosen channel. The full energy flow is constant and focused, until the switch is turned off, or until another switch is turned on. If we only have one switch turned on, our energy is projected through a single window and the door to our    vision easily opens. I will call this the nirvana switch.

   Unfortunately, as is more common than not, the more time that elapses from the moment you had your vision of brilliance, the greater is the tendency that you will be called to turn on more light switches, or at least divert some of the energy back to your already established energy needs. The family light switch, the work light switch, the relationship light switch, or the survival light switch, all diverting your finite human energy.

   With each throw of a new switch, the focus of energy going through the nirvana switch diminishes, the window clouds and the door begins to creek shut. Decisions made as to which light switches to turn on, and which ones to turn off, are based on any number of factors dependent on your current situation. Your moment may have provided insights or techniques on how to be or do better, but a few days after, you may find yourself mired in the same old, same old. The energy flow is diverted by you to other daily demands, and away from your rapidly dimming Nirvana switch.

       Is it perhaps that as you exited the doorway from your nirvana moment you found no windows or doors that allowed a clear view of your path, or perhaps that you did not chose to do what was needed to open them? Perhaps you did not see connected light switches or the sequence of door openings that would have focused multiple resources in support of your Nirvana switch. The reason for this lack of focus and commitment is simple; you were not focused or committed. Not to insult your intelligence but it is as simple as that. You chose to turn on other switches, close the shades, and walk through more familiar doors, or you defaulted to those that were opened for you by others. Or perhaps you are awash with Nirvana visions and have selected to open multiple switches, windows and doors to compound your chances of success. Unfortunately like a dog that runs faster to catch his tail, the results disappoint regardless of effort. This may not always be a negative thing and there is no need to wallow in self-pity, but it does lead us to a new way of thinking about opportunity. So, before you spend another dollar on a seminar, class or brilliant Nirvana vision, you need to consider a few things first.

   First and foremost you need to listen to what your gut is telling you, but do not confuse your gut with your ego. Your gut will allow you to focus an inner passion, whereas ego must be fed by the praise and accolades of others. Once you are confident in the gut vs. ego distinction, you now need to write your vision of Nirvana down. Our minds are easily distracted, like a monkey in a room full of bananas, so we must be sure to leave ourselves reminders of the messages and brilliant revelations that we receive.

  Paint as clear a picture as you can to visualize all the elements, the more detailed the better, perhaps more importantly, the more realistic the better. Not to be a killjoy, but speaking from personal practice, a lot of time and energy, both of which are limited, can be wasted if you do not give these elements consideration. If you think this exercise, which may take a couple hours, is a waste of time, how do you expect to provide the needed energy to travel the path to your vision of Nirvana? In the simplest of terms, how badly do you want it?

   Keep your journal close to you at all times, even next to your bed since some of the most brilliant ideas will come to you in your sleep. Easily said, easily understood, yet if you cannot grab your journal within 30 seconds of reading this, you need to do better. No Nirvana in mind? Try answering this question.

What would you attempt to do if you knew that you could not fail?

   It is also a good idea to start a file for each of your nirvana switches. Be aware of underlying similarities and synergies that each of these light switches, windows and doors may share. You should also look to discuss your Nirvana journey with those who may help sharpen your clarity or gain needed knowledge. But as I reflect on my own experience perhaps I missed a step here, not unlike many others. Why are you at the seminar or why did you have the moment in the first place? There is obviously some motivation to be or do more as you gazed through some window. If everything is going well in your current situation, you most likely are on this journey to enhance the results you achieve in your current situation. The other possibility is that you are unhappy or restless in your current situation, and are looking for a new doorway to tomorrow. Either way, when we consider things from an energy management view point, if you are going to take a good portion of your day to plan, attend or invest in anything, shouldn’t you have weighed the benefits ahead of time?

 

   You should be starting to see the tip of the iceberg as to why our light switches dim. Most of the initial thrill of our big idea is based in emotion and ego. That’s not all bad, emotion is a huge factor in any pursuit, but we all know where ego got General Custer. While most give him all due credit for his resolve and his ability to motivate people at Little Big Horn, he is none the less a prime example of someone who chose to pass through the wrong door. It is OK to make mistakes and have setbacks, for if your vision is clear they will serve as opportunities for learning that will strengthen both your resolve and results. But unlike General Custer, you need to pause and re-evaluate when things just don’t seem to be working out as planned. 

   I do not profess to know your situation or have your answers, the only one who does is you, and this is a reality you need to become comfortable with. Once you have hashed things out, mind body and spirit, you will be able establish clear focus and undying commitment. So get out there and energize your Nirvana switch, clean your windows and fling open your doors…..,

The future is, and always has been, yours!

 

Mini Workshop

 Try answering a few of the following questions to start your exploration. As you continue this process, more questions and more answers will emerge; write them down! Do not be constrained by the table below it is for illustrative purposes. You can also use a large blank sheet so your mind can wonder. 

Nirvana		You	Others in your life
1	What will the financial, personal and / or spiritual Gain be?
2	What will the financial, personal and spiritual Investment be?
3	Will it be worth It?
4	Who will need to be involved / leveraged?
5	What will need to be given up?
6	What will need to be invested in? Skills, Talents, Equipment and materials.
7	Are personality and talent switches wired to release the energy needed for the pursuit?
8	What switches will need to be turned off to divert additional energy if needed?
9	What will the extent / impact of the transition be? (see Change Quotient WS)
10	How will you gauge your progress, what milestones will you use?
11	How will you know if you opened a wrong door or turned off the wrong switch?

Comfort Zones

We are driven by our tribe upbringing to behave and act in certain predictable ways. We like to be dry and warm and nourished. We like to have relationships, to feel important and needed. We like to work for something, be it money or a cause, and be valued for those efforts. We like to pay our debts and buy more things. We also like to be entertained and experience joyful moments. These basic examples apply to everyone. The comfort zones of which I speak are our here and now, they are what is familiar to us, what we are accustomed to, influenced and developed by our life experience. They are the food we eat, the colors we like, the friends we keep and the environment in which we find ourselves. This is perhaps most important to the understanding of our comfort zones; they are unique to us, grown from our individual perceptions of our collective environment since birth.

Comfort zones are those familiar people, environments and behaviors in our life that provide us with reassurance, familiarity and connection. Generally they are good places to be. Some individuals do indeed appear to be in a cozy comfort zone, well on their way to some vision of Nirvana.

Yet if things in your life just don’t seem to be ending up where you imagined you may have fallen into a deceptive comfort zone. The deception may be a relatively minor deception like a love for soda pop and French Fries, or it can be more intense resulting in some manifestation that is significantly negative. It could be an abusive relationship, friends that convey negative behaviors or a career choice that no longer aligns with your life passion; all requiring you to wrestle with similar comfort zone shackles


When simply talking about the above examples the decisions appear simple. Leave the relationship, find new friends and get a new job. But many times, even when we do make a change, some element of the old rejoins us. The new lover you were drawn to also has a temper, your new group of friends also like to party and your new job finds you in a similar cubicle. Is there something deeper to these recurring patterns? Why is letting go, making changes or doing something new sometimes so difficult?

My piece entitled “Change” provides a few insights on the numerous elements that we take into consideration when making a change, particularly when deciding between two or more options. It would be good to go through that article in conjunction with this one as some of the insights gained may shed some light on what concerns you most. What I am looking to do here is provide a deeper examination in to why some of us, me included, face challenges when trying to make a transition that we believe will place us in a better space.

At some level, regardless of what the uncomfortable situation is, it is, in some part of our psyche, a somewhat comfortable place. Basically we perceive more of a reward in staying in the known than in making a change to the unknown. If this were not the case there would be few of us who could not easily change their current state of affairs. We can still change and build new comfort zones for ourselves, most definitely, but we must first define our current ones.

An abused spouse is in a comfort zone when being abused, as bad as it may be they are getting attention. A drug addict is in a comfort zone when getting their next fix because that moment is oh so pleasurable and exciting. Or consider that talented person that never follows their dream settling instead for the comfort of a weekly paycheck and benefits. The chronically ill person who may subconsciously fear that with no illness a loved one’s attention may fade. While I am sure these statements will prove to be controversial, numerous studies confirm them.

Bruce Wexler shared his ground breaking study that helps to shed more light on our understanding of comfort zones. In his work Brain and Culture: Neurobiology, Ideology, and Social Change, Wexler identifies Neuro-biological linkages that create what I refer to as comfort zones.

“Research shows that between birth and early adulthood the brain requires sensory stimulation to develop physically. The nature of the stimulation shapes the connections among neurons that create the networks necessary for thought and behavior. By changing the cultural environment, each generation shapes the brains of the next. By early adulthood, the neuroplasticity of the brain is reduced, and this leads to a shift in the relationship between the individual and the environment: in the first part of life, the brain and mind shape themselves to the major recurring features of their environment; by adulthood, the individual attempts to make the environment conform to the established internal structures of the mind. There are social implications driven from the close and changing neurobiological relationship between the individual and the environment, with particular attention to the difficulties individuals face in adulthood when the environment changes creating voids between the existing internal structure and external reality”.

When we leave the comfort or familiarity of a specific environment or behavior there is often a void, an empty feeling, our minds and bodies are telling us “this is not how we were programmed!” This is why we in general have so much difficulty in cultivating new environments for ourselves. It could also explain why so many continue to partake in destructive behaviors such as smoking and why some never quite live up to their vision of Nirvana. They know they want to change but the subconscious hooks and built up neurobiological layers have ensnared them. The engrained comfort zones are familiar, they are known, and they are safe.

When we try to change, no matter how much we know we should, if we do not address the physical and energetic underpinnings our body system will demand that we return to the comfort zone. Knowing this is the key to our power. The ability to dissect our layers, identify the pitfalls and work toward a better tomorrow is within us all.

Shedding more light on the change process Dr. Richard G. Petty in his review of Wexler’s work adds.

”During adolescence and early adulthood, this conformity is usually replaced by increasing individuality and drives to leave the parental nest. This leads to gradual attempts to shape the environment to fit with the structure of his or her brain and mind. Yet some plasticity remains throughout life, and we are likely able to create new neural connections and even new neurons into old age. And these new neurons and connections develop not only in response to the external environment, but also in response to our thoughts and emotions.

Changing a comfort zone happens with intent and positive experience, which implies a passage of time, which implies a journey, unfortunately there is no pill. While Neuro-Linguistic programming and hypnosis work to replace voids in the mental process, there is a parallel energetic physical process associated with each situation, environment or behavior. This is not to imply that NLP and Hypnosis do not impact the energetic body, just that there is a little more required. Reiki, Qi-Gong and numerous other complimentary and alternative medicine techniques address this “Energy flow” and highlight the deeper connections to our collective body, mind and spirit. If our collective being is not convinced that the benefits of our new situation, environment or behavior outweigh the old, we will return to the known comfort zones and produce similar outcomes.

While it is possible to modify comfort zones on our own, we may need a little help to identify or understand them. We may even need a little support as we choose to walk a different path. Realize that whomever you turn to will now be a part of your journey, as you will be of theirs, it is important to find the right match and assure that they have your highest good at heart. Go slow at first and make sure that you fully understand your current comfort zones before trying to modify, move out of or replace them. With your new knowledge, success is assured. You’re OK.

Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll

For some, sex, drugs and rock and roll are as American as apple pie, yet increasingly it is becoming Porn, overdose and Emo Music. The internet and high tech cell phones have made sex a public sport, the drug problem is almost everyone’s problem and music with self defacing and violent lyrics are gaining in popularity. How we react to these influences speaks volumes about our susceptibility to outside forces. This article is intended to examine these traditions of our culture.

First Sex, we often hear of the school teacher, the priest, the judge or the governor ending up in trouble over some sexually related miscue and these are just the stories that have been newsworthy. Most are appalled at these behaviors yet when we engage in discussions about what are normal versus deviant sexual desires the debate continually encroaches on significant gray areas. We as a society then attempt to set boundaries or express feigned abhorrence. There are many resources on the subject of sex, from plain old missionary sex to the wildest of unimaginable perversions, coupled with beliefs ranging from abstinence to polygamy; like it or not all are a part of our world.

It is no surprise that searching the simple word “pictures” on the internet not only produces numerous social networking sites but an ample sampling of pornographic web sites as well. Let’s not be so ignorant as to blame the porn industry, or the internet, or whomever else we want to make a scapegoat to deflect and blur the true vision. The billions of dollars are coming from somewhere. Similar to all social ills, whether it is sex drugs or rock and roll, it is not the media itself, but the available and willing participants on both sides of the producer / consumer relation that allows it to thrive. We find these media replacing our need for caring, nurturing, touching and feeling with artificial emotion and simulated connectedness. When our basic physiological and psychological needs are not met through what popular opinion would consider normal, the pleasure centers of our mind often induce very powerful compulsions to act in ways that may ignore basic safety and or mute our realization of consequence in our quest for acceptance.

I am not advocating censorship, puritanism, or abstinence for that matter, I am advocating responsibility. It is in our very nature of our survival to have sex, but like electing not to shop at a store you don’t like, you can shun the impact of the degrading and relationship destroying porn, by taking it for what it is, a business out to make a profit, not a portrayal of loving relationships.

It is imperative to continually work to build healthy open relationships in which sex is as natural and enjoyable as drinking a glass of water, defined only by the consenting participants not encroached on by social stigma or stereotype. I realize that is a relatively simplistic solution, the lure of the “Dark side” has offered feigned adoration to all genders, races and creeds. But the quicker it is revealed as overt, albeit well masked, manipulation and control, the better able we are to resist the degrading onslaught and restore our balance.

But let’s leave the shadowy behind the screens world and emerge to mainstream society. Effective advertising has and hopefully always will rely on visually stimulating images to entice us to buy things. It is commonly accepted that sex is used sell, and yes sex is used to sell to women the same as to men. This is perhaps the most universal of truths in our culture. Whether it is an attractive model, male or female, or suggestive wording, advertising with sexual connotations is the most effective. Five dollar foot longs? I rest my case. But my case is, so what? It’s as plain and natural as the dance of the prairie chicken; it is what makes us human. None of us would be here were it not for some hot steamy animalistic gyrations. Let’s face it, when our desires, any desires, are left unsatisfied, our drive to satisfy that desire intensifies, this is basic human nature. It can even be argued that the more one abstains or suppresses the urge for sex, the more perverse the addiction becomes.

Now I am not saying that relationships are all about sex, but a good portion of the mix is, at least the psychological bashing we give ourselves when the sex part isn’t up to someone’s par. Given all the commercials for Viagra and Enzyte there must be something to this reasoning. Add in engrained childhood beliefs, the latest sexually transmitted disease statistics and conflicting pressures from friends, school officials and parents, and coping becomes even more challenging. Continually we just don’t talk of such things. That is unless we are in the company of our nonjudgmental friend the computer, or within the security of our lives back alley.

Drugs next, I find it interesting to note the similarities to sex, remembering that “human” thing. Drugs are all around us, caffeine, aspirin, pain pills, nicotine, prozac, viagra, marijuana, and crack cocaine, all are drugs. Some legal, some not, some available off the shelf, some only by prescription, others only on a shady street corner or your nearest high school, but each can be as damaging as the next depending on the extent of the use. Water can kill if you drink too much of it.

The joys experienced with most of these drugs, similar to sexual stimulus, are powerful forces indeed. Our escape from reality, our need to focus, our need to sleep, the lack of inhibition, the power rush or enhanced performance are all behavioral re-enforcers augmented by these little helpers.

Notice however, that it is normally only a temporary solution, soon the effects aren’t as great as they once were or the cost becomes too high. Unless you really screw up and your self inflicted suicide attempt works, the world and all its wonderful problems will still be there when you wake up from the daze. The sellers are truly in a buyer’s market aided by the media, evolving societal standards of what “good performance” should be, the pharmaceutical companies “save the world theme”, and aggressive underground back alley marketing techniques that put Mary Kay to shame. Like porn on the internet and prostitutes on the street, drugs are there because someone is buying them, from the scope of the problem lots of people are buying them. I can’t be so hypocritical as to tell you what you should or should not do, this is about knowing the difference between moderation, which you control, and obsession which is controlled or at least nurtured, by others. They influence you to do something that benefits them, and eventually destroys you, if you let it. It is your choice, and only your choice. You can surrender or choose to defend your self by taking control of your current reality and the manipulative forces in your life.

Lastly Rock and Roll Music, all music for that matter, has always carried a message, but some artists in recent times appear to be taking on more of a main stream violent and self degrading nature. Yes there has always been, and hopefully will continue to be, a stand up to “the man” theme, but like the internet there is a dark side. But to think that by listening to a song we will start to act like a mindless robot is ridiculous, even though the artist may relish in that outcome. Music can indeed have an influence over us. It has been shown scientifically to influence mood, perception, actions and even physiological reactions within the body, both good and bad. Yet I would argue that if something as simple as a song can influence our life experience to the cellular level, why can’t we? Well the answer is we can! We have control Houston, yet many continually look to their rock star hero to define their life. Realize that in all these situations, you are being manipulated to some extent, whether by emotionless sex, the lure of drugs, holiday cash or songs with “my life is in the pits”, self defacing, hypnotizing lyrics. Their goal is to take your money and/or destroy you. Some want to end your marriage, some want you hooked on drugs and some want you to buy their music, they care absolutely nothing about you. But if that’s your thing just make sure you are not capsizing the relationships that matter most to you.

The intent here is to identify one area of our existence that will provide continued sources of turmoil if we are not willing to have open, honest and non judgmental discussions with those closest to us. Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll will always live on, it is human nature. But the more we suppress these discussions of our reality, the more they become dirty little secrets and mental afflictions.